NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
