You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
