I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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