Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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