alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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