I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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