If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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