she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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