know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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