Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
