I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
