My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Randomize
