so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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