if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
