Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
