shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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