I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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