That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
