I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
