When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
