i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
