No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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