Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
