plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
