How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize