I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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