i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize