is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
