just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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