listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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