I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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