Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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