She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize