Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
