I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
