My first STD was from a foam party
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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