this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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