spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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