We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
