I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
