to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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