I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
