If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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