Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Randomize
