I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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