I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
pop tarts are not kleenex
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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