I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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