I wish I could punch you in the face.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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