I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
