i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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