this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
