if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize