At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
