Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
