the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
