There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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