I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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