It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
