i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
