This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
