Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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