she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
