I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
